One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today I did one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life- I separated from my husband of 16 years.  I remember how I felt, the thoughts (about a million of them) racing through my head, the way my heart was pounding with fear as I told him he had to leave.  I had no idea how he would react, and I was scared he might get violent.  Luckily (for me, anyway) I caught him totally off guard and really didn't give him time to think or get angry.  Heck, I even packed his stuff up and loaded it in the truck for him!  But then again, that was pretty much how our marriage went: I did ALL the work while he sat around and complained and made my life miserable.  It had gotten to the point where I just couldn't stand being miserable every day anymore.  Given any choice at all I'm actually a very happy, upbeat, positive person, exactly the opposite of my now ex-husband.  Living with him was so incredibly depressing, it's a wonder I found any reason to smile at all during most of those years.

The life I'm living now is such a huge contrast to those bleak years it's difficult to know how I managed to keep going.  I'd been thinking about divorce for years before I finally made up my mind.  I tried talking to him about our problems, but it was like talking to a wall- he didn't hear a thing I was saying, and he was just so angry all the time I never wanted to push it.  So I kept trying to make it work.  But when there's only one person putting any effort into a relationship it's doomed to fail- it has to be a partnership with both people working together and communicating openly with each other.

I think back to this day last year and still don't know where I found the courage to say the words that needed to be said and do the things that needed to be done.  I was terrified, but I knew I had to appear strong and stay calm (at least outwardly).  Once he was gone I lived in fear that he'd come back and do something to me or the house.  I had a week until my plane left for Arizona, so I knew I just had to make it through that time and I'd be safe (from him anyway- I was also scared of flying across the country!).  And while I was dealing with the separation I was also preparing the house (Gramma's house) for sale and trying to get it completely cleaned out before I left so my uncle, who would be taking care of the place until it sold, wouldn't have to do it himself.  I did more heavy lifting and hauled more garbage out of that place than I care to remember.  I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed beyond belief, and I was pushing my body to it's physical, mental, and emotional limits.  It's a wonder I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but I guess I'm made of tougher stuff than I realized, because I did come through it all in one piece, mentally and physically.

 This is the first time I'm talking about some of this.  Maybe I needed a year to be sure I really was OK.  Maybe I needed enough positive new experiences to dull the sharp edges of those painful experiences and make them a little easier to deal with.  I've always felt more comfortable writing about my feelings rather than talking about them, so blogging is sort of a natural outlet for me.  And maybe this will help someone else in a similar situation find their own courage to change their life for the better.  It comes down to something very simple really: I deserve to be happy.  I don't believe I (or anyone else) was put on this Earth to live in misery.

And I've found that happiness, within myself, my surroundings, and the man that I wouldn't have ever met if I hadn't taken that risk and leaped into the unknown.  When Sal asks "How ya doin' today, babe?" I can honestly answer "I'm doing great!"  Sal is completely opposite from my ex, and he's exactly who I need as a partner, friend, and lover.  He's positive, hard working, spiritual, thoughtful, funny, creative, kind, and spontaneous.  Love is a wonderful thing, and I don't know how I managed to live without it for so long.

Just one year, but it feels like an entire lifetime has passed.  I don't wish anything bad on my ex, I'm not a vindictive kind of person- I hope he's able to find some sort of happiness in his own life.  I haven't talked to him (aside from a long email trying to explain exactly why I was divorcing him- I still don't know if he understands) since he left.  I think that's for the best though.  I said everything I needed to say in the email, and he's got it in writing in case he wants to go back and remind himself where things went wrong.
 
I'm finally comfortable with who I am, and where I am in life.  I am so much more relaxed now, and I guess that shows.  People who knew me before the divorce have commented on how different (in a good way) I seem now.  I'm not afraid to speak my mind or give an opinion, or just simply be myself.  I no longer worry about being judged (he was constantly judging not only me, but everyone else around us).  I am who I am- unique, creative, artsy, and just little bit nuts (but in a good way, I think).  I'm that crazy chic who says "Pardon me" to bees as I'm watering and has conversations with the lizards in the garden.  But you know, that's just me ;)

I know this post was a rather personal one, and there will probably be more like this in the future.  Like I said, I'm much more comfortable with who I am and the things I've been through.  Keeping quiet doesn't fix anything- I did that for way too long.  And if this post and others like it can help someone else, then that's a good thing.  I know I felt so alone for so long.  Maybe if I had read a story similar to mine I might have gotten the courage to change things sooner.

~Michelle

A year filled with changes

Well this post has been a long time coming (nearly a year, really), but I've been so busy doing new things and having wonderful adventures that I haven't taken the time to sit down and write about all the changes that have gone on in my life the last year or so.  Last July I separated from my husband (we're now legally divorced) after 16 years of an unhappy marriage.  I won't go into detail, but I'm sure many of you know what that's like.  Not only did I leave my husband, but I also left Ohio, where I'd lived all my life.  It was a huge and scary decision, but deep down I knew it was the right one for me.  There was just nothing left for me there.  So I flew out to Arizona and found out that I love the West!  Within a few short weeks AZ felt like home, more so than Ohio ever did.  The people seem friendlier and more laid back, and I was finally able to really be myself without fear of being judged.  I'm different, but out here that's OK ;)
After a few months of being single I even got up the nerve to check out a few online dating sites.  This was actually a big step for me because I hadn't dated since I was a teenager.  I was only 21 when I got married and really never got much experience in the dating world.  I felt a little more comfortable with online dating though because I was more in control.  I got to actually exchange messages with the guys without having to meet them in person unless I chose to.  I talked with some very interesting men and discovered that there really were some good guys out there.  After being with my husband for so long I'd had my doubts.  The third man I exchanged messages with was the first one I decided to actually meet in person.  There was just something about Sal that made me want to get to know him better.
Of course I was scared silly (my first date in like, 20 years!), but I really did want to find that one man who I was meant to be with, and I knew that I couldn't hide forever. For a change I was actually listening to that inner voice and it was saying "You need to meet this man". Sal took me to the square in Prescott and we wandered the art galleries and talked about the artwork and our own creative passions.  Sal's day job is as a structural steel detailer, but in his spare time he creates abstract metal artwork.  He's creative, and has a real eye for detail.  He also loves gardening and has several gardens and a greenhouse on his 4 acre property, so we talked gardening, animals, spirituality, and exercise as well.  Our interests seemed to fall right in line with each other.  I think it was on our second date that I began to fall in love with him.  It was October and the veggies in the garden were in serious need of harvesting, so I helped him pick tomatoes and other vegetables.  This was where I got to really get to know Sal- out in the garden, getting his hands dirty, and being himself.  Since I hadn't been able to have my garden that summer, it was a real treat for me to work with Sal in his garden.  I also got to see him with his dog Ziggi.  When you see a man interacting with his dog you get to see a deeper part of him.  And it was easy to see how much he loved this dog.  Sal is happiness, and calmness, and love.  When I'm with him, whatever we may be doing, I'm happy and relaxed.
Over the course of the next few months we got to know each other better.  And as hard as I tried to deny it to myself, I was falling deeper into love with this incredible man.  I had no interest in pursuing any of the other men who I'd been exchanging messages with, even though family and friends kept telling me I couldn't just settle down with the first guy I dated after leaving my husband.  But Sal and I were meant for each other, and I couldn't deny that fact, not if I was going to be honest with myself.  We fit together so well it was just amazing.  We completed each other thoughts, reached for the same spices when cooking (and I discovered I loved cooking WITH a man, instead of just FOR him), had the same views on gardening, animals, exercise, health, and spirituality, among other things.  Yet there were enough differences to keep things interesting.  Sal's very organized and plans everything out thoroughly.  I'm much more inclined to just fly by the seat of my pants and wing it.  I discovered that I have a real knack for creating recipes without any real planning.  Sal's kitchen is stocked with healthy organic ingredients and I've come up with quite a few excellent recipes inspired by these ingredients.
I always knew that I would enjoy hiking and camping, but never got the opportunity to do that with my ex.  Sal, however, loves to go hiking and camping and lives in the perfect area for it.  My first camping trip with Sal was at the end of October, under the full Harvest moon.  It still gives me chills remembering how the moon looked rising over the mountains.  He took me to one of his favorite spots on the Verde River which is just about a mile hike away from these awesome hot springs (my first time in a hot spring as well).  This trip was truly magical and we bonded even more closely during those few days.
 I also found out that I really like riding on the back of his Harley ;)  Cruising the winding mountain roads as we ride into the sunset is a truly awesome experience.  I'm trying to keep my thoughts organized here, but SO much has happened since I met Sal.  This could end up being a very long post!
In the time I've been with Sal we've checked out Sedona, the art galleries as well as hiking in the mountains, wandered Jerome, gone camping and canoeing at Lake Mary in Flagstaff, discovered some awesome little spots on Beaver creek, and swam in the cave and under the waterfalls at Fossil creek, along with lots of other hikes and adventures.  I'm willing to try just about anything, and I know Sal will be right there by my side making sure I'm safe and having fun.
The cats and I moved in with him at the end of February and things have been just wonderful.  He had been concerned about how Ziggi would react to the cats (he always chases any cats that wander into the yard), but I knew everything would be fine.  I know animals, and I knew that Ziggi was not a vicious dog and the only reason he chased those cats was because they ran from him.  He just needed to see that Calcifer and Ginko were family.  It only took about a month before all three of them were just fine together.  It probably could have happened faster, but Sal actually needed the extra time (whether he knew it or not).  Now we're one big happy family :)
So after many years of unhappiness and merely "surviving", I suddenly have everything I've always wanted in life.  A man who is truly my partner in all things and someone that I share a deep and passionate love with, a home in the country, complete with a big ole country dog, chickens, gardens, and surrounded by gorgeous mountains, and endless opportunity to do anything I choose to in life knowing I'll have the support of the one I love most.  Last year at this time one thought was constantly going through my mind: "All I want is to be happy".  These days the thought "I am so incredibly happy!" goes through my mind on a daily basis.  Sometimes you just have to trust that God knows what he's doing and go with what feels right.  Leaving my husband was probably the hardest decision I ever made, but if I hadn't taken that leap of faith I never would have ended up where I am now.  Change can be scary, but it can also be wonderful.

 

This is a shot of the full moon over the Verde river taken from the hot springs

 A shot of the red rocks of Sedona, which is a very magical and healing place.  I've heard people talk about the healing energy of Sedona and actually felt it for myself when we were there.  Before we got there I wasn't in a very good mood and my arm was killing me; within a short time of being among those rocks I felt like a whole new person.

Sal and Ziggi on our camping trip at Lake Mary in Flagstaff.  Ziggi loves nothing more than fetching that tennis ball from the water!

This is our favorite spot on Beaver Creek, very private and secluded.  I just love swimming in the creek under the warm sun, surrounded by the mountains!

 This is a shot from inside the cave on Fossil Creek- it's a truly breathtaking place.  This is where Sal took me for my birthday, and I can honestly say it was the best birthday ever!

And this is me and Ziggi taking a rest on the 8 mile (UPHILL!) hike back from Fossil Creek.  We were ALL sore the next day- LOL.  But it was totally worth it!

I took this picture just the other day, and it is so perfect.  I've finally found my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. :)
For all of you who have made it to the end of this rambling post, I thank you for your patience with me ;)  I hope to be able to post on a more regular basis, as there is quite a bit I would like to share with all my readers, including some of my recipes, what's happening in the garden, critter exploits, and my continuing adventures in my wonderful new life.  I do enjoy writing, and I always like to hear your comments and feedback as well.

~Michelle of CreativeCritters

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