One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today I did one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life- I separated from my husband of 16 years.  I remember how I felt, the thoughts (about a million of them) racing through my head, the way my heart was pounding with fear as I told him he had to leave.  I had no idea how he would react, and I was scared he might get violent.  Luckily (for me, anyway) I caught him totally off guard and really didn't give him time to think or get angry.  Heck, I even packed his stuff up and loaded it in the truck for him!  But then again, that was pretty much how our marriage went: I did ALL the work while he sat around and complained and made my life miserable.  It had gotten to the point where I just couldn't stand being miserable every day anymore.  Given any choice at all I'm actually a very happy, upbeat, positive person, exactly the opposite of my now ex-husband.  Living with him was so incredibly depressing, it's a wonder I found any reason to smile at all during most of those years.

The life I'm living now is such a huge contrast to those bleak years it's difficult to know how I managed to keep going.  I'd been thinking about divorce for years before I finally made up my mind.  I tried talking to him about our problems, but it was like talking to a wall- he didn't hear a thing I was saying, and he was just so angry all the time I never wanted to push it.  So I kept trying to make it work.  But when there's only one person putting any effort into a relationship it's doomed to fail- it has to be a partnership with both people working together and communicating openly with each other.

I think back to this day last year and still don't know where I found the courage to say the words that needed to be said and do the things that needed to be done.  I was terrified, but I knew I had to appear strong and stay calm (at least outwardly).  Once he was gone I lived in fear that he'd come back and do something to me or the house.  I had a week until my plane left for Arizona, so I knew I just had to make it through that time and I'd be safe (from him anyway- I was also scared of flying across the country!).  And while I was dealing with the separation I was also preparing the house (Gramma's house) for sale and trying to get it completely cleaned out before I left so my uncle, who would be taking care of the place until it sold, wouldn't have to do it himself.  I did more heavy lifting and hauled more garbage out of that place than I care to remember.  I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed beyond belief, and I was pushing my body to it's physical, mental, and emotional limits.  It's a wonder I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but I guess I'm made of tougher stuff than I realized, because I did come through it all in one piece, mentally and physically.

 This is the first time I'm talking about some of this.  Maybe I needed a year to be sure I really was OK.  Maybe I needed enough positive new experiences to dull the sharp edges of those painful experiences and make them a little easier to deal with.  I've always felt more comfortable writing about my feelings rather than talking about them, so blogging is sort of a natural outlet for me.  And maybe this will help someone else in a similar situation find their own courage to change their life for the better.  It comes down to something very simple really: I deserve to be happy.  I don't believe I (or anyone else) was put on this Earth to live in misery.

And I've found that happiness, within myself, my surroundings, and the man that I wouldn't have ever met if I hadn't taken that risk and leaped into the unknown.  When Sal asks "How ya doin' today, babe?" I can honestly answer "I'm doing great!"  Sal is completely opposite from my ex, and he's exactly who I need as a partner, friend, and lover.  He's positive, hard working, spiritual, thoughtful, funny, creative, kind, and spontaneous.  Love is a wonderful thing, and I don't know how I managed to live without it for so long.

Just one year, but it feels like an entire lifetime has passed.  I don't wish anything bad on my ex, I'm not a vindictive kind of person- I hope he's able to find some sort of happiness in his own life.  I haven't talked to him (aside from a long email trying to explain exactly why I was divorcing him- I still don't know if he understands) since he left.  I think that's for the best though.  I said everything I needed to say in the email, and he's got it in writing in case he wants to go back and remind himself where things went wrong.
 
I'm finally comfortable with who I am, and where I am in life.  I am so much more relaxed now, and I guess that shows.  People who knew me before the divorce have commented on how different (in a good way) I seem now.  I'm not afraid to speak my mind or give an opinion, or just simply be myself.  I no longer worry about being judged (he was constantly judging not only me, but everyone else around us).  I am who I am- unique, creative, artsy, and just little bit nuts (but in a good way, I think).  I'm that crazy chic who says "Pardon me" to bees as I'm watering and has conversations with the lizards in the garden.  But you know, that's just me ;)

I know this post was a rather personal one, and there will probably be more like this in the future.  Like I said, I'm much more comfortable with who I am and the things I've been through.  Keeping quiet doesn't fix anything- I did that for way too long.  And if this post and others like it can help someone else, then that's a good thing.  I know I felt so alone for so long.  Maybe if I had read a story similar to mine I might have gotten the courage to change things sooner.

~Michelle

Getting back to work

It's been a bit over month since I moved from Ohio to Arizona and I'm settling into my new home nicely.  I had to take a few weeks off from work as I waited for the moving company to deliver all my craft supplies and the rest of my belongings.  I'm still waiting for several boxes to be delivered, but at least I got the majority of my crafting supplies.  It took me a little time to figure out a new work schedule, but I'm now back to sculpting and listing new items on ArtFire and new gigs on Fiverr.  And of course I'm back to blogging regularly for my personal blog, my Artfire blog, and the Smooshers blog.  I've discovered that it's a lot easier to get more done now that I don't have the constant interruptions from my husband.

 In the last several weeks I've completed several custom pet sculptures, added a Personalized Scarecrow sculpture gig to Fiverr, a larger version on ArtFire, added listings on ArtFire for custom cat and custom dog sculptures, and worked on the wedding cake topper sculpture for my brother's wedding next month. 
I have a personalized baby sculpture I just finished today and plan to put up on Fiverr, and started a baby pin I hope to get listed in the next few days.  I'm feeling very productive out here and even finding it easier to write.  I've even been able to make a braided rag rug for in front of the cat's litter box and have started making a dog bed for my puppy.  She's quickly outgrown the spare cat bed ;-)

 And I've been able to do all these things without feeling rushed or stressed out.  In fact, my stress level has dropped significantly.  Even Calcifer and Ginko are less stressed here.  They're both more playful and loving and are very relaxed.  Calcifer used to be much more high strung and jumpy, but since we moved here he's become downright laid back ;-)

And being surrounded by all these animals is great too.  Miss Kitty shares my craft room with me and has to check out all my projects.  All three dogs are interested in anything I'm doing, and when I need to think about a project I can take them for a walk and get some fresh air, which helps to clarify my thinking. 
So leaving my husband and moving to Prescott was not only good for me, but for my business as well!  I have lots of ideas for new creations and a few special things just for Christmas.  Being able to brainstorm with my mom is really great too.  She's another very creative person and has already come up with several good ideas for things I can create.  So be sure to stay tuned to keep up with all the fun new things I'm doing and making! 
Thanks for stopping by! :-)

~Michelle of CreativeCritters

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Setting up my new craft room

One of the (many) challenges of moving is setting up the craft room all over again.  At least I'm lucky enough to have a room to do my crafts in (although I do have to share it with Miss Kitty- LOL).   I'm still missing several boxes of my stuff (the moving company located them, but still hasn't delivered them), but I think I've got the majority of my craft stuff.  The new room is about the same size as my old craft room, so everything seems to fit okay.  I've got plastic dressers for all my beads, tools, and miscellaneous "stuff" related to sculpting.   Eventually I'd like to put up some sort of shelves for all my books, but for the moment I have them organized on top of the dressers.  I've got a few round tool caddies for my various sculpting tools and so far I've been moving those around as I need the tools.  I also use plastic utensil trays for some of my other tools and supplies.

  I don't have everything unpacked yet, but I do have all the things I use on a regular basis (mainly my sculpting supplies) unpacked.  This room is also being used as temporary storage for a few items, so eventually I will have more room and be able to organize it a bit better.
  For the moment most of my fabric is in bags in the closet, along with my yarn and other knitting supplies.  I got rid of my somewhat bulky (and not totally efficient) crafting table and downsized to a simple card table.  It takes up less room and actually doesn't seem to get quite as cluttered. 
One thing I do like is the way I have my pasta machine set up now.  It's much easier to use like this.  I put a ceramic tile on top of a small dresser (which is just the right height for me to stand at) and clamped the pasta machine to the top of the dresser and the tile.  I used non slip shelf liner under the tile to keep it from sliding around as I use the pasta machine.  It's easy to keep the area clean, and since this is exclusively for conditioning clay there's nothing else getting in the way and cluttering the area up.  I've already completed several custom order sculptures in the new craft room and am continuing to move and adjust things as needed.  I know it will take a while to get everything "just right", but at least the room feels fairly comfortable and conducive to creating.  I love that there's a nice big window with a beautiful view to see while I'm working.  And it lets in lots of natural light during the day, which makes it much easier to see what I'm doing.  I've noticed that it's much brighter here in Arizona than it ever was back in Ohio.  It will be really interesting to see what winter is like here.  It has to be better that those long, cold, dark Ohio winters!  So that's my craft room for now, although I'm sure it will continue to evolve and improve over the next several months.  Miss Kitty certainly seems to approve though.  She's even trying to learn how to sculpt birds ;-)

~Michelle of CreativeCritters

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The cats are starting to adjust to their new home

One of my biggest concerns when planning this move from Ohio to Arizona was how my cats, Calcifer and Ginko, would adjust to a totally new environment.  The first challenge was the 6 hour plane ride.  Neither of my cats had done much traveling of any sort, so I knew they would be scared.  To make them as comfortable as possible in their carriers I put their favorite towels in the bottom and sprayed them with Feliway, which is recommended by vets to keep cats calm in stressful situations. My brother's fiance came to help me with the cats, which were considered one of our carry on items (Southwest airlines allows 2 carry ons).  We each carried one of the cat carriers, which were placed under the seats in front of us during the flight.  I was really surprised at how well the cats did, and I know the Feliway helped a lot.  After we landed in Phoenix we still had to rent a car and drive about 2 hours to Prescott.  During the flight and the car ride I kept talking softly  to Calcifer and Ginko to help keep them calm and let them know that I was nearby.
When we finally got to the house both cats were exhausted and more than ready to get out of their carriers.  I went into the first empty bedroom to let them out and Ginko hopped up into the window while Calcifer curled up in the corner of the closet.  Unfortunately Mother's large German Shepherd, Reisha happened to be on the other side of the window and started barking at the cat.  This scared the poor kitty and I spent the next half hour trying to comfort him and calm him down.  I was also completely exhausted by this time since I hadn't slept in about a week.  So our first night in the new place was a bit rough.
But over the next few days we all started to relax and feel more at home.  I moved the cats (and myself) into the larger bedroom and plugged in a Feliway diffuser to help create a calm environment.  This room also had a closet (or cupboards) with shelves and Calcifer claimed the bottom cupboard as his "house".  This was his safe space and whenever the dogs barked or something made him nervous he could go in there and feel safe.

We now have a routine where I lock the dogs up for a bit in the evening and allow Ginko and Calcifer roam the house safely.  It didn't take too long before curiosity won out over fear and Ginko made the first bold steps to explore the new house.  He did a bit of reconnaissance, deemed it safe, and went back to tell Calcifer about it.  So Cacifer followed his little brother and discovered for himself that this new place was pretty interesting.  Of course any time something frightens them they hurry back to the safety of their room, but they're much quicker to come back out now.  They enjoy playing with the hapless June bugs and large beetles that sometimes find their way into the house ;-)  They find the sink to be a fun place to explore as well.

They spend most of the day lounging and sleeping in their room with me (funny how I call it THEIR room- LOL), and evenings are spent playing and roaming the house.  One thing is sure- they are much more relaxed here with me, Mother, and all the other animals than they were with my ex back in Ohio.  Ginko has stopped trying to steal Calcifer's food and Calcifer is eating much more than he used to, which is good because he was a bit underweight.  Stress affects animals just as much as it affects people.  Sometimes you need to take them out of that stressful situation to even realize that they've been affected.

They both seem to enjoy the view from the bedroom window as much as I do.  Ginko even gives me little kitty kisses to say Thank You for giving them such a nice place to live ;-)

In my next post I'll introduce you to the rest of the critters I share my home with.

~Michelle of CreativeCritters

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New Beginnings

It's been a month since I last posted on here and in that time I left my emotionally abusive husband, cleaned out Gramma's house (it's still up for sale), packed up all my belongings, and moved myself and my two cats across the country to Arizona.  Hey, no baby steps for me- when I go to change something I do it BIG! LOL  Of course in all seriousness none of this has been easy, and none of this would have been possible without all the help and support I received from my family and friends.  So here I am in Prescott Arizona, starting all over again, which isn't a bad thing- I get one gigantic do over.  Marrying my husband was a mistake in the first place, and I was never truly happy in the marriage, although I desperately tried to convince myself otherwise.  He was a cruel and controlling man who did his very best to isolate me from my family and any friends I might have.  I may blog more about that part of life at another time.  Right now I'm still sorting through the last 16 years and wading through that emotional minefield.
I will tell you about the trip from Ohio to Arizona though.  Things worked out rather perfectly- my mom just rented the house in Prescott (she actually signed the lease before she even knew what was going on in my marriage).  All it really took was her offer of a place to stay, and I ended up finally telling her the truth about my life.  Up to that point no one knew the hell that I lived in.  So she and my brothers began planning a way to get me out of there and out to Arizona.  My youngest brother's fiance flew in from CA so she could fly back to Arizona with me.  I needed someone along for the flight for a few reasons.  For one thing I was flying with my cats, Calcifer and Ginko, and I needed someone to carry one of their pet carriers.  For another thing I had never flown before and Sarah happens to have traveled quite a bit during her life, so she knew the ropes ;-)  She also really helped to keep me calm and keep me laughing.  This was the first time I had meet my future sister-in-law, and I must say, I love her already ;-)  She was wonderful with the cats too- very kind and gentle, which was just what they needed.  I sprayed the towels in their carriers with Feliway (calming cat pheromones) before we left, and I was really amazed at how well they did.  They were scared, of course, but there was no yowling or total freak outs.  Once we were on the plane they actually managed to fall asleep for a while.  It was about a 6 hour flight and then at least a 2 hour drive from Phoenix to Prescott.  And did I mention that I was doing all this after not sleeping for about a week?  By the time we got to our new home the cats and I were all exhausted!
It took a few days, but once I was finally able to get some sleep and get over a bit of altitude sickness I was able to really appreciate the beauty of Arizona.  Mother and I made a few trips back to Phoenix to move the rest of her stuff from her apartment, and I got to experience Phoenix in mid-summer.  They say it's dry heat, but 108 degrees is just incredibly hot no matter how you look at it!  Prescott, on the other hand is at least 20 degrees cooler and more of a mountain environment than a desert environment.  It also gets more rain, which I didn't expect.  We've actually had a good bit of rain each afternoon for the last 3 days.  I really love it here.  I'll have been here one week tomorrow, and already this feels like home.  The West just feels so different from where I came from.  The sky is clearer and bigger somehow, the landscape just takes my breath away, and the people are so open and friendly.
And I have everything I could ever ask for right in one place.  In one direction I have a national forest within easy walking distance, and in the other direction I have the cool town of Prescott with all it's shops and neat places to check out.  I don't believe I have ever felt so happy, calm, and relaxed.  And it doesn't hurt to have most of the country between me and my ex.  I think I'm going to split this into several posts, because I have so much to talk about.  I'll let you know how the cats are adjusting and tell you about some of the awesome things I've seen.  To end this post I want to share the view that I wake up to every morning when I look out my window.  Seeing this every morning just makes me happy to be alive! :-)

~Michelle of CreativeCritters

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