One year ago today I did one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life- I separated from my husband of 16 years. I remember how I felt, the thoughts (about a million of them) racing through my head, the way my heart was pounding with fear as I told him he had to leave. I had no idea how he would react, and I was scared he might get violent. Luckily (for me, anyway) I caught him totally off guard and really didn't give him time to think or get angry. Heck, I even packed his stuff up and loaded it in the truck for him! But then again, that was pretty much how our marriage went: I did ALL the work while he sat around and complained and made my life miserable. It had gotten to the point where I just couldn't stand being miserable every day anymore. Given any choice at all I'm actually a very happy, upbeat, positive person, exactly the opposite of my now ex-husband. Living with him was so incredibly depressing, it's a wonder I found any reason to smile at all during most of those years.
The life I'm living now is such a huge contrast to those bleak years it's difficult to know how I managed to keep going. I'd been thinking about divorce for years before I finally made up my mind. I tried talking to him about our problems, but it was like talking to a wall- he didn't hear a thing I was saying, and he was just so angry all the time I never wanted to push it. So I kept trying to make it work. But when there's only one person putting any effort into a relationship it's doomed to fail- it has to be a partnership with both people working together and communicating openly with each other.
I think back to this day last year and still don't know where I found the courage to say the words that needed to be said and do the things that needed to be done. I was terrified, but I knew I had to appear strong and stay calm (at least outwardly). Once he was gone I lived in fear that he'd come back and do something to me or the house. I had a week until my plane left for Arizona, so I knew I just had to make it through that time and I'd be safe (from him anyway- I was also scared of flying across the country!). And while I was dealing with the separation I was also preparing the house (Gramma's house) for sale and trying to get it completely cleaned out before I left so my uncle, who would be taking care of the place until it sold, wouldn't have to do it himself. I did more heavy lifting and hauled more garbage out of that place than I care to remember. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed beyond belief, and I was pushing my body to it's physical, mental, and emotional limits. It's a wonder I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but I guess I'm made of tougher stuff than I realized, because I did come through it all in one piece, mentally and physically.
This is the first time I'm talking about some of this. Maybe I needed a year to be sure I really was OK. Maybe I needed enough positive new experiences to dull the sharp edges of those painful experiences and make them a little easier to deal with. I've always felt more comfortable writing about my feelings rather than talking about them, so blogging is sort of a natural outlet for me. And maybe this will help someone else in a similar situation find their own courage to change their life for the better. It comes down to something very simple really: I deserve to be happy. I don't believe I (or anyone else) was put on this Earth to live in misery.
And I've found that happiness, within myself, my surroundings, and the man that I wouldn't have ever met if I hadn't taken that risk and leaped into the unknown. When Sal asks "How ya doin' today, babe?" I can honestly answer "I'm doing great!" Sal is completely opposite from my ex, and he's exactly who I need as a partner, friend, and lover. He's positive, hard working, spiritual, thoughtful, funny, creative, kind, and spontaneous. Love is a wonderful thing, and I don't know how I managed to live without it for so long.
Just one year, but it feels like an entire lifetime has passed. I don't wish anything bad on my ex, I'm not a vindictive kind of person- I hope he's able to find some sort of happiness in his own life. I haven't talked to him (aside from a long email trying to explain exactly why I was divorcing him- I still don't know if he understands) since he left. I think that's for the best though. I said everything I needed to say in the email, and he's got it in writing in case he wants to go back and remind himself where things went wrong.
I'm finally comfortable with who I am, and where I am in life. I am so much more relaxed now, and I guess that shows. People who knew me before the divorce have commented on how different (in a good way) I seem now. I'm not afraid to speak my mind or give an opinion, or just simply be myself. I no longer worry about being judged (he was constantly judging not only me, but everyone else around us). I am who I am- unique, creative, artsy, and just little bit nuts (but in a good way, I think). I'm that crazy chic who says "Pardon me" to bees as I'm watering and has conversations with the lizards in the garden. But you know, that's just me ;)
I know this post was a rather personal one, and there will probably be more like this in the future. Like I said, I'm much more comfortable with who I am and the things I've been through. Keeping quiet doesn't fix anything- I did that for way too long. And if this post and others like it can help someone else, then that's a good thing. I know I felt so alone for so long. Maybe if I had read a story similar to mine I might have gotten the courage to change things sooner.
~Michelle
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
New Beginnings
It's been a month since I last posted on here and in that time I left my emotionally abusive husband, cleaned out Gramma's house (it's still up for sale), packed up all my belongings, and moved myself and my two cats across the country to Arizona. Hey, no baby steps for me- when I go to change something I do it BIG! LOL Of course in all seriousness none of this has been easy, and none of this would have been possible without all the help and support I received from my family and friends. So here I am in Prescott Arizona, starting all over again, which isn't a bad thing- I get one gigantic do over. Marrying my husband was a mistake in the first place, and I was never truly happy in the marriage, although I desperately tried to convince myself otherwise. He was a cruel and controlling man who did his very best to isolate me from my family and any friends I might have. I may blog more about that part of life at another time. Right now I'm still sorting through the last 16 years and wading through that emotional minefield.
I will tell you about the trip from Ohio to Arizona though. Things worked out rather perfectly- my mom just rented the house in Prescott (she actually signed the lease before she even knew what was going on in my marriage). All it really took was her offer of a place to stay, and I ended up finally telling her the truth about my life. Up to that point no one knew the hell that I lived in. So she and my brothers began planning a way to get me out of there and out to Arizona. My youngest brother's fiance flew in from CA so she could fly back to Arizona with me. I needed someone along for the flight for a few reasons. For one thing I was flying with my cats, Calcifer and Ginko, and I needed someone to carry one of their pet carriers. For another thing I had never flown before and Sarah happens to have traveled quite a bit during her life, so she knew the ropes ;-) She also really helped to keep me calm and keep me laughing. This was the first time I had meet my future sister-in-law, and I must say, I love her already ;-) She was wonderful with the cats too- very kind and gentle, which was just what they needed. I sprayed the towels in their carriers with Feliway (calming cat pheromones) before we left, and I was really amazed at how well they did. They were scared, of course, but there was no yowling or total freak outs. Once we were on the plane they actually managed to fall asleep for a while. It was about a 6 hour flight and then at least a 2 hour drive from Phoenix to Prescott. And did I mention that I was doing all this after not sleeping for about a week? By the time we got to our new home the cats and I were all exhausted!
It took a few days, but once I was finally able to get some sleep and get over a bit of altitude sickness I was able to really appreciate the beauty of Arizona. Mother and I made a few trips back to Phoenix to move the rest of her stuff from her apartment, and I got to experience Phoenix in mid-summer. They say it's dry heat, but 108 degrees is just incredibly hot no matter how you look at it! Prescott, on the other hand is at least 20 degrees cooler and more of a mountain environment than a desert environment. It also gets more rain, which I didn't expect. We've actually had a good bit of rain each afternoon for the last 3 days. I really love it here. I'll have been here one week tomorrow, and already this feels like home. The West just feels so different from where I came from. The sky is clearer and bigger somehow, the landscape just takes my breath away, and the people are so open and friendly.
And I have everything I could ever ask for right in one place. In one direction I have a national forest within easy walking distance, and in the other direction I have the cool town of Prescott with all it's shops and neat places to check out. I don't believe I have ever felt so happy, calm, and relaxed. And it doesn't hurt to have most of the country between me and my ex. I think I'm going to split this into several posts, because I have so much to talk about. I'll let you know how the cats are adjusting and tell you about some of the awesome things I've seen. To end this post I want to share the view that I wake up to every morning when I look out my window. Seeing this every morning just makes me happy to be alive! :-)
I will tell you about the trip from Ohio to Arizona though. Things worked out rather perfectly- my mom just rented the house in Prescott (she actually signed the lease before she even knew what was going on in my marriage). All it really took was her offer of a place to stay, and I ended up finally telling her the truth about my life. Up to that point no one knew the hell that I lived in. So she and my brothers began planning a way to get me out of there and out to Arizona. My youngest brother's fiance flew in from CA so she could fly back to Arizona with me. I needed someone along for the flight for a few reasons. For one thing I was flying with my cats, Calcifer and Ginko, and I needed someone to carry one of their pet carriers. For another thing I had never flown before and Sarah happens to have traveled quite a bit during her life, so she knew the ropes ;-) She also really helped to keep me calm and keep me laughing. This was the first time I had meet my future sister-in-law, and I must say, I love her already ;-) She was wonderful with the cats too- very kind and gentle, which was just what they needed. I sprayed the towels in their carriers with Feliway (calming cat pheromones) before we left, and I was really amazed at how well they did. They were scared, of course, but there was no yowling or total freak outs. Once we were on the plane they actually managed to fall asleep for a while. It was about a 6 hour flight and then at least a 2 hour drive from Phoenix to Prescott. And did I mention that I was doing all this after not sleeping for about a week? By the time we got to our new home the cats and I were all exhausted!
It took a few days, but once I was finally able to get some sleep and get over a bit of altitude sickness I was able to really appreciate the beauty of Arizona. Mother and I made a few trips back to Phoenix to move the rest of her stuff from her apartment, and I got to experience Phoenix in mid-summer. They say it's dry heat, but 108 degrees is just incredibly hot no matter how you look at it! Prescott, on the other hand is at least 20 degrees cooler and more of a mountain environment than a desert environment. It also gets more rain, which I didn't expect. We've actually had a good bit of rain each afternoon for the last 3 days. I really love it here. I'll have been here one week tomorrow, and already this feels like home. The West just feels so different from where I came from. The sky is clearer and bigger somehow, the landscape just takes my breath away, and the people are so open and friendly.
And I have everything I could ever ask for right in one place. In one direction I have a national forest within easy walking distance, and in the other direction I have the cool town of Prescott with all it's shops and neat places to check out. I don't believe I have ever felt so happy, calm, and relaxed. And it doesn't hurt to have most of the country between me and my ex. I think I'm going to split this into several posts, because I have so much to talk about. I'll let you know how the cats are adjusting and tell you about some of the awesome things I've seen. To end this post I want to share the view that I wake up to every morning when I look out my window. Seeing this every morning just makes me happy to be alive! :-)
~Michelle of CreativeCritters
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